


The Only Journey Is The One Within

by APlagueOnBothYourHouses



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Allusions to Fjord's past with Vandren, Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Found Family, Friendship, Gen, Insecurity, Just me thinking about Fjord and how he's so insecure, Not Beta Read, Past Character Death, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Stream of Consciousness, like my mans has some issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-21
Updated: 2019-03-21
Packaged: 2019-11-26 18:11:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18184019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/APlagueOnBothYourHouses/pseuds/APlagueOnBothYourHouses
Summary: A quick study between Fjord, insecurity, his place in the group, and his relationship with the rest of the Mighty Nein.





	The Only Journey Is The One Within

**Author's Note:**

> Me: Don't write anything else before you do schoolwork  
> Me, five minutes later: But Fjord is so insecure and he loves his friends so much 
> 
> So I wrote this pretty quickly just... stream of consciousness without referencing anything from canon so some details might be a bit fuzzy and my interpretation of Fjord might not be the same as other people's but I don't see enough fics focusing on him and just him. I'm trying to get back into writing for fun so thanks for reading!

Out of everyone in their group of weirdos, as some might be inclined to call them, Fjord had initially been far less trusting of Nott and Caleb’s seemingly sketchy motives. Even Molly and Yasha, who were also powerful and secretive strangers hadn’t set him on edge the way Caleb and Nott had. For all of their secrets, Molly had been Fjord’s roommate for as long as they’d been together and Molly didn’t _care_ to pry into his past- in return Fjord found Molly easier to trust. Molly had been ostentatious with a propensity to be both an asshole and one of the most generous people Fjord had ever met at the same time. Yasha had, especially in those early days, been in an out of their lives. But she was- mostly- calm, quiet and gentle. Plus, Molly loved and trusted her- and that was enough for him for the most part. After his performance against them in an underground well, however, Fjord is beginning to feel more and more justified of his original wariness towards the odd duo. Caleb, for all of his self-proclaimed cowardice and lack of leadership ability, proved that he possessed immense power- enough to rival the entire Mighty Nein if the need arose. Fjord doesn’t blame the man for being charmed, nor for the damage he dealt under said charm, but there was an uncomfortable feeling low in his gut when he thought about how that meant their wizard was _holding back._ It was now obvious to Fjord that it was a choice on Caleb’s part to defer to the group’s opinions. Yasha’s dominance against them hadn’t been as surprising. The woman was a warrior and when she needed to, Fjord knew she could eviscerate even their toughest enemies. He didn’t hold her nearly killing Caleb against her either, she’d been just as charmed as Caleb when he’d cast fireball against the group and that had proven to Fjord and, apparently, their enemies that the wizard _needed_ to be taken out of the fight.  But that left Fjord feeling stuck in a vacuum between himself and the rest of the Mighty Nein; he was supposedly their de facto leader but he felt… unworthy of that title and responsibility. Not just power-wise, either. He felt like a coward, especially after leaving Jester to face down a deadly enemy _alone_ not once but _twice-_ after vowing never to do so again after the first time.

He wasn’t Yasha who was capable of causing and taking immense damage in one round, he wasn’t Beau who had unbelievable stamina and reaction skills, he wasn’t Nott who could nail an enemy between the eyes from across a room from behind near-complete cover, he couldn’t invoke a duplicate to get close to an enemy while keeping enough distance to heal his allies like Jester, he only had two spell slots and couldn’t easily cast like Caleb and he doesn't have the innate ability to keep his unconscious friends from bleeding to death like Caduceus. Most depressingly- and Fjord thinks of Molly, dead and alone in the ground, and then Caduceus, who could have met a similar fate if not for Jester- he doesn’t have the ability to bring his friends back from the dead should they fall. Fjord often felt as though his abilities, his experiences, gave less to the group than what he was gaining from being with them. The only thing he felt he could do to aid the group was talk to folks and gain their trust enough for them to give him information. But, loathe as he was to admit it, Caleb, if he had to, and Caduceus, without even meaning to, could talk to and connect with people almost as well as him.

A piece of him felt almost threatened by that. Under Vandren’s captaincy, there was no room for dead weight, even from him, someone Vandren actively mentored. Everything on board, be it the cargo, the crew, rations or personal possessions, held weight. A ship could only handle so much of said weight when traveling over the open ocean so if someone had nothing to offer they, at best, were left on an island somewhere. He could still hear the screams of men thrown overboard for offering nothing when he slept. Back then, Fjord’d had no room for insecurity and no room to give nothing. Now, he likes to think his place in the group is safe. These people are his... friends, and they don’t necessarily expect anything from him. But old habits die hard and he can’t always keep the small, bitter part of him from feeling threatened and scared and-

Unneeded.

When his thoughts go there, the guilt is quick to set in because-

-Because these people mean so much to him, and have proven themselves loyal to him over and over again. They don't _deserve_ his doubt.

Jester has been so _supportive_ of his nervous picking at his tusks and the jovial tiefling has done so much to support him and nurture his self-confidence; his tusks are now longer than they’ve been in years and the image of a distinctly orcish Fjord doesn't make him feel like less of himself. the sight of his tusks don't always make him feel physically ill anymore because of _her_ . She was one of the singular most enchanting people in his life and had become one of his closest confidants; one of his biggest, brightest, most incredible supporters. She was a force of nature, powerful but _kind._ Under the dick jokes and veneer of silliness, Jester was one of the most emotionally mature people he’d ever known and she was a pillar of stability in his new life.

With Beau came an agreement to keep each other in check. Beau brought a different energy than Jester, she could sound cruel without meaning to, and had found harshness a comforting front to present- especially when they’d first met. She wasn’t _great_ with people, both in getting them and being able to have them get her. She often needed coaching through things like apologies, but she was actively learning how to be patient. She was _learning_ because she’d lost something like a brother in Molly and didn’t want to lose the rest of them to performative indifference _or_ death. Fjord was proud of Beau; she had the capacity to form bonds that would never break and he enjoyed watching her come into herself. The young monk had been his first mate, she had stuck by his side through every bad choice and he’d even heard her defend him to a suspicious Caleb several times during their time as accidental pirates when his identity was being torn apart by his past. Jester and Beau he’d known the longest out of the entire Mighty Nein, even if it hadn’t been by much and he trusted and _loved_ them. If he were asked to choose, hands down- Beau and Jester were his people.

He’d been wary of Caleb at first, had held the falchion to the man’s throat not terribly long after the group’s inception. But he’d also looked up to him in a weird way when they’d met. Fjord hadn’t been confident at all in his magical ability at the beginning, and then he’d met someone who _exuded_ magic with every gesture. That put such an odd spin on their dynamic for a while, to be both interested in learning from him while also feeling like the man would abandon them in the dead of night if things got too tricky. But then Lorenzo and the Iron Shepherds happened, _Molly_ happened, Caleb and Nott helped save Fjord, Jester and Yasha instead of running away; despite any misgivings, the wizard had supported his quest to learn about Vandren and Uk’otoa, he’d _bled_ for Fjord’s curiosity deep under the ocean. He consistently rose to meet and blow Fjord’s expectations out of the water. Only a few months ago, it was hard for Fjord to describe his relationship with Caleb positively but, especially after learning about the man’s past (which explained _so much_ ) and being able to rely on him more and more, Fjord felt comfortable with calling Caleb both his friend and ally.

Nott was a different can of worms; their relationship was built on testing each other’s boundaries and constantly trampling them without always meaning to. In the beginning when he, like everyone else, had thought of Nott like a child, he’d been silently protective of her. Then, sometime in the group’s development, they became playfully antagonistic with each other, though sometimes the line between playfulness and genuine hurt blurred. He was _deeply_ ashamed of his behavior towards her and her fear of water, and had apologized for it though he knew that that didn’t erase the barbs between them. Since learning the tale of Veth, Nott’s skittishness, her behavior toward Caleb, and her ticks make more sense to Fjord in a heartbreaking way. That being said, he refuses feel pity for her- She’s still the capable little asshole she’d been before he knew she was someone’s _mother_ . All he can do to show her that he loves her just as much as the rest of the group is to help her save Yeza and get them both back to their _son_ so he doesn’t grow up alone.

Yasha was still a silent figure in his life, but she was someone he’d come to rely on in a big way. She was a reminder that power didn’t have to come at an expense of morality, that power didn’t have to come the way Avantika wanted to use Uk’otoa. She was strength personified but she collected flowers and was more socially awkward than Caleb; Yasha openly grieved for Molly, and had been near frantic when the group had been stuck in Twiggy’s happy fun ball. She stayed with them despite longing to find her purpose with her god. He hadn’t had as much one on one time with her as the others, but he trusted her so much- she was their tank, their protector, their friend.

Finally, Fjord thought of Caduceus. The firbolg had helped Beau, Caleb, and Nott rescue them before having ever met them. He was gentle like Yasha and a healer like Jester, but he was a different type from each too. He was serene, and didn’t do as much offensively, but he’d quickly become more than Molly’s replacement in the group. He was easy to talk to and easy to care for, he’d nearly died fighting with them, Caduceus was just as much his friend as anyone else in the group.

So maybe he was still woefully insecure, both in his abilities and his place as the face of their group, but these people were his friends, his _family_ , and he loved them. He loved them so much the thought of parting with any of them made him feel like his heart was being squeezed out of his chest. Those feelings would have to be enough to get them through, and Fjord knew they could. They were The Mighty fucking Nein.


End file.
